Calling all Bards in Conington

Calling all bards in Conington,

But not any old Etonian,

We must all become true word Magus,

To eat our way through the Haggis,

We shall drink and talk and feast,

Enjoying the flat Anglian east,

And the night shall not come to a halt,

Until we have drunk the last drop of malt.

James Kelman

Disaster at Wash Brook

'Twas in the year 2014 Winter had not set in
The Conington hall shoot did begin
To cross wash brook by new barns farm
This was achieved with little harm
Under the command of shoot captain wright A hero bold,
And an honour to his queen and country be it told
While the Conington guns most firmly stood
Around the farm, and stretched to the wood
The beaters never flinched but crossed deliverance land fearlessly
And all at once the silence was broken by musketry
In the centre stood Fordham of the high street
A man of statue and most complete
On the left the gallant yeoman john more
Dispatched a partridge to the floor
On the right the Welshman howl most profound
Was sending birds to the ground
But Fordham watched a bird along the wood
While a covey flew overhead where he stood
He turned and watched them with dismay
When another covey flew over with a sense of play.
When the horn was sounded finally at last
The poor Fordham felt very down cast
Captain wright appeared to all a little on edge
My fault I placed him too close to the hedge.

Nicholas Wright

I was asked to write a Poem like Mcgonogall

I was advised to write a rhyme like Mcgonogall
I was not surprised to find he chimes well with dogeral
If you want a half hearted ditty
Ask a scot- they're always shitty
The driving rain and Irn Bru
Bashes their brains black and blue
Until they arise like drunken spartans
And fall in love with their tartans
And that sound of strangled pipes
And deep fried fodder of all types
Till the raving scot grabs his sporen and whiskey
Announces ma I'm feeling frisky
I fancy me self a bit of hunting
Me welsh mate raves bout sheep shunting
But for me I'd like a rarer beast
Aye a haggis- a rare feast
So off he hops up the highlands
Then try's the lowlands then the islands
He takes the high road, he takes the lows
With every step-frustration grows
Until on the point of expiration
He grabs a pen and writes for his nation
An address (incoherent in his frustration)
A general waffle of desire
For the sacred haggis -his belly fire

Searching for a pseudonym suitable
( as to his mother he must remain dutiful)
He alights on a name that every school child now learns
The indomitably accurate short word: burns
The scots they write with rubbish rhymes
Or fetid incoherence all the time
But amid the senseless paltry fluster
Lies treasure buried beneath the bluster
If you want a decent Scottish poem
Ask the sickly slight Samoan
Who for treasure island is renowned
But Stevenson inspiration found
And his best poems happily unfurled
In the south seas, on the other side of the world.

Flurry Wright

The Lambton Worm

The Lambton worm
Can squeal and squirm
And curl round the biggest hills.
It will eat up cows
And pigs, as it howls
And also humans it kills

Quick and hide
For you're terrified
If you see Lambton worm
And before you get
A good look, I'll bet
You'll be dead and off it shall squirm

So off went John
To kill the worm
And slowly he raised his sword
And the worm didn't see him
So now death shall meet him
Goodbye to the Lambton worm!

Elizabeth Kelman

16th January 2014

The Wondrous Wilson Constriction

After William Topaz McGonagall

Three cheers for the Wilsons, for I’m pleased to say

That Conington floods are held at bay

By the constricting pipe that they did lay

Under the bridge to Conington Hall

Now that floods are a thing of the past

All of the villagers look on aghast

At this construction, which cannot be surpassed

An example to one and all

Alas my friends I report with sadness

That all of this tremendous gladness

Was undone by meteorological madness

When the January rains did fall

So wondrous constriction I must conclude

That although your design is elegant and shrewd

Your effectiveness has been misconstrued

Less flood stop, more flood stall

Barnaby Perks